Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
