Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Just cropdusted the office
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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