I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
