bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
