Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
