i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
