I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
