Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
