wrigley field is MILF paradise
Where is the hickey?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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