i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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