my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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