I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
