I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You are a genius and a whore.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
