So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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