Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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