Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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