we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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