so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
