Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
