I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
