i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
