Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
