He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
