We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
