Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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