My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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