I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
