not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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