have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
