If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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