3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
