Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
