Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
