Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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