she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
