I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
