I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
