I take back everything I said about communal showers
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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