Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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