Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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