ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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