I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
