I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
