ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
