True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
