peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize