I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Randomize
