We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
