if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
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I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
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Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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