So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
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The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
There's always time for handjobs
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
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I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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