just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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