Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
