brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
