Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
