my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
