I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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