So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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