I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
