meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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