haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
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im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
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All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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