wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
