words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
