i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just threw up on my dentist
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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